As a Christian, you should not condone substance abuse – even if the abuser is your child. I’ll bet you already knew that. So why do you still do things that you know will help your son or daughter use? When does your help actually become a hindrance to recovery? Learn what God says and gain victory over addiction.
What is an Enabler?
An enabler is someone who facilitates substance abuse. People who abuse alcohol and drugs need someone in their lives who assists with their habit. In the book, Unhealthy Helping by Shawn Meghan Burn, Ph.D., she said, “Unhealthy givers [enablers] often think in ways that make them feel they must rescue others or help and give beyond their energetic and material means.” This type of extreme sacrifice has cultural and gender-related roots.
Denial, a refusal to acknowledge the reality of a situation, is an inherent part of the disease of addiction. Denial helps people alter their beliefs even in the face of new information. Bad news is avoided. Both parties – the person with the addiction and the enabler – are actively engaged in denial.
The Difference Between Enabling and Supporting
The term “enable is not necessarily a bad word. It depends on the situation. The Bible uses the word at least 13 times in a positive way. Leviticus 26:13 says, “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of Egypt so that you would no longer be slaves to the Egyptians; I broke the bars of your yoke and enabled you to walk with your heads held high.”
Notice that God took them out of a bad situation and put them into a good one. He did not help them persist or continue in a state with negative long-term consequences.
Recovery Support Services and the Path to Sobriety
Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly published an article, Enabling or Engaging? The Role of Recovery Support Services in Addiction Recovery. It discussed Recovery Capital and defined it as “the quantity and quality of internal and external resources to initiate and maintain recovery.” The article also said, “When framed this way, it is easy to see how efforts to increase a person’s recovery capital might be viewed as ‘enabling’…”
In other words, why provide assistance when you know the person will only use it to use again? Recovery Support Services is a psychological method that keeps individuals engaged in treatment. Through one-on-one support, community services, etc., people with an addiction achieve self-sufficiency. RSS has proven that “rather than enabling continued addiction, it is effective in helping people achieve sobriety.
The Role of a Parent
According to an article published by Social Work in Public Health, The Impact of Substance Abuse Disorders on Families and Children: From Theory to Practice, “The family remains the primary source of attachment, nurturing, and socialization for humans in our society.” So enabling can easily happen in this type of environment.
However, Christian parents have a guide, the Bible. Ephesians 6:4 says, “Fathers do not exasperate your children, instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.”
Signs of Enabling
Helping your child is a loving, healthy response. However, enabling is dysfunctional because it fuels unhealthy actions or conditions. So how do you know when you have crossed the line? Here are some tips:
- Attempt to Explain Erratic Behavior
Is your child acting strangely? Does he/she have mood swings, keep irregular hours, withdraws from family interaction, or is failing in school? If so, do you lie about it to friends and family members? Rationalization is a common response to a problem.
- Avoid Uncomfortable Conversations
Have you discussed your concerns with your child? Why not? Be honest. Is it because your suspicions will lead to embarrassment or a heated discussion? You must calmly open a dialogue. Proverbs 15:1 says, “An answer when mild turns away rage.”
- Relies on You to Solve Problems
Is your child overly dependent on you to solve his/her problems? The above-mentioned article also said, “Each family and each family member is uniquely affected by the individual using substances…unmet developmental needs…economic hardships, legal problems, emotional distress, and sometimes violence…”
- Neglect of Your Needs
Does the time you spend helping your child consume more time than you spend for yourself? Have you missed time from work to attend to the needs of your child? Have you given your adult child money for rent and gotten behind in your own expenses? This is a state of dysfunction and chaos. 1 Corinthians 14:33 says, “God is not the author of confusion.”
- Experience Resentment
Does your child’s behavior frustrate you or make you angry? As Christians, this is not desirable. Galatians 5:22-23 says, “The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace…self-control…”
God’s Word for Overcoming Being an Enabler
It will be difficult for you to make the transition from an enabler to a healthy parent. However, your child’s life is at stake. Follow these steps:
- Stop Taking Responsibility
In the Bible, 2 Thessalonians 3:10 says, …“If a man does not work, he does not eat.” Each person is responsible for his own life.
- Consider the short and long-term consequences
If you help him/her one more time, what will that accomplish? Esau sold his birthright for the temporary satisfaction of a single meal (Genesis 25:29-34).
- Regain Control
Do not allow the person with an addiction dictate your life. If he/she is having a bad day, you must go on with your plans.
- Communicate Your Boundaries
Read books like Unhealthy Helping or The Enabler by Angelyn Miller. Learn how to set reasonable boundaries and manage the accompanying guilt.
Proverbs 13:24 says, “Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” Take a stand against substance abuse. Stop enabling your child and gain God’s favor.
If you are struggling with alcohol or drug addiction, contact Home of Grace at 228-826-5283.